im keeping you

so.. its been about a month since i've been on this thangggg.

and let me tell you.. its been one crazy ass month! school is owning me forreal. like i've never worked so hard in my life. but its totally going to be worth it in about a year and two months. time with the fellow blueberries has been very enjoyable. so many damn drink ups.. and outings and luncheons.. haha but all very memorable and worthy of my time. on the real i find school kinda interesting and fun.. well mainly the clinical and lab hours.. haha i went to school on thursday for some extra lab time. tested off on my competency for the week.. and passed off on my med pass so luckily i dont have to go to class early tomorrow morning! yeeee! haha and i dont have to stay late for competency testing.. mmmhmm! yessir! but i did tell alex i'd stay and help him out.. so oh well.

hm.. booger should be in town in about two weeks. what for? idk.. he just misses it here i assume. hah. but that means we could go swimming at karens. Lol. we're just going to keep him here.. lol. errright. well time to shower and get ready for my school day.. of ONE HOUR tomorrow. lol.

cousin.

you.

we've been through a lot.. and yet lately we've hardly been able to spend anytime with one another.. let alone have a real conversation over the phone! i know you're preoccupied with situations in life and im sure you'll solve your problems as you always find some sort of way to bypass a hard circumstance. i appreciate your presence this past weekend. you are part of the family. mom and dad adore you. the rest of the family (including stephanie) love you. regardless of how much time we spend apart, when we reunite its as if the last time i saw you was yesterday.. except for the MANY story exchanges we make. i love the fact that you appreciate my happiness.. the joy you see in me on another level. i just wanted you to know you're awesome. :)

and to booger.. even tho i know you're never going to read this..

"why are you so good to me" haha as questions like that are asked.. smiles are placed. thank you!

black bed sheets.

its damn 6 in the morning..

i have a wedding to go to today! eeep! brother is finally getting married. wow.. my brother. my only sibling.. idk.. its kinda weird. something im going to get use to quickly.. my brother and his wife. my sister-in-law. creepy. haha but im happy for him. its a joyous day.

why am i awake?! man.. i was so exhausted.. its been one of those days.. really it HAS! but i pushed through lab clinicals at school with only 2ish hours of broken sleep.. then went to the rehearsal wedding and dinner. drove downtown.. visited boobs and booger. drove back to the hotel.. relaxed with the guys.. talked about things with my brother.. looked back on our past. getting ready for the future. then went home. knocked around 3 ish.. and got a call at 4.30ish and woke up.. been awake since.

hmmm.. idk.. three weeks in a row. you're funny. (just a random sideline thought that no one will understand but myself.. sorry)

okay.. the proceeding content may not make sense so you as a reader may as well stop reading now.. however.. i'm going to type it for myself.. i mean i made this as a place for me to jot down my info in my head.. my feelings.. my confusion.. so i should just put something that maybe no one will understand.. maybe no one will get. it may or may not make any sense at all and thats fine. hmmm.. okay here i go.

betrayed. lied. how is it that i never ask anything from you. i only ask for truth.. i do not expect much or anything at all...yet the truth is something.. probably one of the only things i care about when it comes to us. ratio was off. beds weren't used. you said that it wouldnt happend.. yet when i arrived its what i saw with my own eyes. did i say anything? no. was it the right place to? maybe. would it have been worth it to make you upset as well? im not sure. i still haven't told you why it was i seemed upset about it. so after time passed you text me saying you wanted to see me before you left.. i thought it was nice. you end up near my house.. then rush off as im on the way.. due to trying to meet up with the others whom aren't so fond of me because my timing in speaking to you was not as they would have liked. anyway.. when i got home you asked if i was alright.. my answer was yes.. but its always that.. you knew i really wasn't. i asked if i'd see you and you were out. not at the place you said you were headed to.. change of plans.. i decide it wasn't worth it so i slept. waking to your phone call.. you told me you were outside my house.. so i came down. not noticing you had sent me three previous messages asking if i wanted you to come over.. and yet with no response you still came to show face and try your attempt at calling me. as soon as i walked outside.. greetings for the friend made me laugh.. greetings from you made me smile.. a request he made.. made me laugh and upset. not at all your fault.. instead you laughed at me. spent some time outside.. small conversation was exchanged. you gave me the shirt. thank you. it ended with hugs.. and my forehead kiss. :] the frustration with you can not last. thank you friend. you're simply adorable.. just so great. i sent you a text shortly after you left.. then received a reply with a slight delay. i just told you that i appreciated your trip to my place for the 15 minute conversation.. your patience was greatly appreciated as well. and i shared my gratitude for the shirt i acquired. your reply was.. "so crazy i pulled out my phone to say i'm glad i got to see you and i read that text. you're the best babe. goodnight. muuuahhh" you're silly. but on the real. thank you.

fackk im going back to sleep.. pillow and shirt. i opposite of hate you.

sorrow. friends. life.

wow.. so it seems like i have a close girl of mine is some deep anguish. i dont like that she's in a hurt state.. of course i would love to baby her and be here for her to vent to.. which trust me i did. BUT i know that there is no point to baby her.. to cater to her every waking moment.. to try and distract her. by her telling me the situation and her reaction to is proved to me that she really is growing up. she's grown and becoming stronger. this is something that she has to deal with on her own. as much as she has friends here by her side, none of us will FULLY understand her situation because we are not her. no matter how close of a situation any of us have been through, no matter how similar they are, it STILL is not the exact situation. every relationship, no matter if you're OFFICIAL or NOT, is different. there are different things that go on between two people that can not be fully comprehended by an outsider. just know.. i'm here for you but i know you do not need me or anyone else. you are here making some great decisions in your life. yes you have been sluffin' on a few past goals.. and i know i give you ishh all the time about it, but to have seen how passionate you were once about it, makes me believe that all you need is that little push. just a small nudge. so that you know someone is behind you and believes in your action. that's all i needed to help get my butt in gear and here i am now.. almost half way done! how crazy is that?! well.. just know im here.. to listen to your stories.. to agree and disagree with you.. to read your bLogs.. to share my opinion. but i know you are one bad ass female that is more than capable at handling your own feelings so there is no need for me to fish such information out of you, or to try and console you. know i understand. know im interested in your well being. know that I LOVE YOU and thats a real one.

on another note..

today has been day two of the third semester. i have to say im so overwhelmed. yesterday we had to bring all 14 books to class.. received so much information.. learned when we had an additive amount of classes.. figured out our schedules.. compiled our mountains of hw and reading assignments. goodness.. too much. but its ok. im going to keep my head on straight and have come to the decision that i really am no longer going out on weekdays. i need to stay focused and keep studying. i need to catch up on sleep but with the amount of work i've been doing, thats pretty difficult. luckily i still have someone along my side that will allow me to vent and complain about the school load.. who then sympathizes with me and says i can do it. i have someone that will know im having a bad day and will text me asking if they can call me. and when they do, they say.. "you're not having a great day are you?" when i reply no, they say.. "i know, thats why i wanted to call and tell you this.." then they continue into a singing a song.. even though they do not enjoy singing.. or believe that they are the best at it.. simply because they knew it would put a smile upon my face, they do it anyway. i have someone that i do not necessarily talk to everyday.. nor that often.. but will randomly say hello, check up on how i have been doing, text me to simply say goodnight.. knowing that it makes me feel good. i have a house full of people around my age that give me a load of respect for going out and doing whatever it is i do. because they know that even though i may be super busy, or occupied.. it means nothing with the fact that we are all close and will stay that way. they give me so much support. i have a brother that understands how much stress i receive from school and family situations that he sets me an appointment for a massage.. fully paid for.. including gratuity. only because he felt as if it would help me relax. its people like that.. they help me see that my life is simply perfect. has a few quirks, of coarse.. but even those help make it perfect.

i must admit. i see myself being super blessed. i have people that care about me close.. and far.. yet never do they fail to cease to amaze me with the smallest possible things. not judging one for the way they choose to live their life. if you want to do something go out and do it. "if you think you can.. or if you think you can't.. you're right." you really are. i do not judge those that i carry close to my heart. i simply look our for what i believe is best for them. and if they choose another path, so be it. as long as you are happy then i too shall feel the joy for you.