im keeping you

so.. its been about a month since i've been on this thangggg.

and let me tell you.. its been one crazy ass month! school is owning me forreal. like i've never worked so hard in my life. but its totally going to be worth it in about a year and two months. time with the fellow blueberries has been very enjoyable. so many damn drink ups.. and outings and luncheons.. haha but all very memorable and worthy of my time. on the real i find school kinda interesting and fun.. well mainly the clinical and lab hours.. haha i went to school on thursday for some extra lab time. tested off on my competency for the week.. and passed off on my med pass so luckily i dont have to go to class early tomorrow morning! yeeee! haha and i dont have to stay late for competency testing.. mmmhmm! yessir! but i did tell alex i'd stay and help him out.. so oh well.

hm.. booger should be in town in about two weeks. what for? idk.. he just misses it here i assume. hah. but that means we could go swimming at karens. Lol. we're just going to keep him here.. lol. errright. well time to shower and get ready for my school day.. of ONE HOUR tomorrow. lol.

cousin.

you.

we've been through a lot.. and yet lately we've hardly been able to spend anytime with one another.. let alone have a real conversation over the phone! i know you're preoccupied with situations in life and im sure you'll solve your problems as you always find some sort of way to bypass a hard circumstance. i appreciate your presence this past weekend. you are part of the family. mom and dad adore you. the rest of the family (including stephanie) love you. regardless of how much time we spend apart, when we reunite its as if the last time i saw you was yesterday.. except for the MANY story exchanges we make. i love the fact that you appreciate my happiness.. the joy you see in me on another level. i just wanted you to know you're awesome. :)

and to booger.. even tho i know you're never going to read this..

"why are you so good to me" haha as questions like that are asked.. smiles are placed. thank you!

black bed sheets.

its damn 6 in the morning..

i have a wedding to go to today! eeep! brother is finally getting married. wow.. my brother. my only sibling.. idk.. its kinda weird. something im going to get use to quickly.. my brother and his wife. my sister-in-law. creepy. haha but im happy for him. its a joyous day.

why am i awake?! man.. i was so exhausted.. its been one of those days.. really it HAS! but i pushed through lab clinicals at school with only 2ish hours of broken sleep.. then went to the rehearsal wedding and dinner. drove downtown.. visited boobs and booger. drove back to the hotel.. relaxed with the guys.. talked about things with my brother.. looked back on our past. getting ready for the future. then went home. knocked around 3 ish.. and got a call at 4.30ish and woke up.. been awake since.

hmmm.. idk.. three weeks in a row. you're funny. (just a random sideline thought that no one will understand but myself.. sorry)

okay.. the proceeding content may not make sense so you as a reader may as well stop reading now.. however.. i'm going to type it for myself.. i mean i made this as a place for me to jot down my info in my head.. my feelings.. my confusion.. so i should just put something that maybe no one will understand.. maybe no one will get. it may or may not make any sense at all and thats fine. hmmm.. okay here i go.

betrayed. lied. how is it that i never ask anything from you. i only ask for truth.. i do not expect much or anything at all...yet the truth is something.. probably one of the only things i care about when it comes to us. ratio was off. beds weren't used. you said that it wouldnt happend.. yet when i arrived its what i saw with my own eyes. did i say anything? no. was it the right place to? maybe. would it have been worth it to make you upset as well? im not sure. i still haven't told you why it was i seemed upset about it. so after time passed you text me saying you wanted to see me before you left.. i thought it was nice. you end up near my house.. then rush off as im on the way.. due to trying to meet up with the others whom aren't so fond of me because my timing in speaking to you was not as they would have liked. anyway.. when i got home you asked if i was alright.. my answer was yes.. but its always that.. you knew i really wasn't. i asked if i'd see you and you were out. not at the place you said you were headed to.. change of plans.. i decide it wasn't worth it so i slept. waking to your phone call.. you told me you were outside my house.. so i came down. not noticing you had sent me three previous messages asking if i wanted you to come over.. and yet with no response you still came to show face and try your attempt at calling me. as soon as i walked outside.. greetings for the friend made me laugh.. greetings from you made me smile.. a request he made.. made me laugh and upset. not at all your fault.. instead you laughed at me. spent some time outside.. small conversation was exchanged. you gave me the shirt. thank you. it ended with hugs.. and my forehead kiss. :] the frustration with you can not last. thank you friend. you're simply adorable.. just so great. i sent you a text shortly after you left.. then received a reply with a slight delay. i just told you that i appreciated your trip to my place for the 15 minute conversation.. your patience was greatly appreciated as well. and i shared my gratitude for the shirt i acquired. your reply was.. "so crazy i pulled out my phone to say i'm glad i got to see you and i read that text. you're the best babe. goodnight. muuuahhh" you're silly. but on the real. thank you.

fackk im going back to sleep.. pillow and shirt. i opposite of hate you.

sorrow. friends. life.

wow.. so it seems like i have a close girl of mine is some deep anguish. i dont like that she's in a hurt state.. of course i would love to baby her and be here for her to vent to.. which trust me i did. BUT i know that there is no point to baby her.. to cater to her every waking moment.. to try and distract her. by her telling me the situation and her reaction to is proved to me that she really is growing up. she's grown and becoming stronger. this is something that she has to deal with on her own. as much as she has friends here by her side, none of us will FULLY understand her situation because we are not her. no matter how close of a situation any of us have been through, no matter how similar they are, it STILL is not the exact situation. every relationship, no matter if you're OFFICIAL or NOT, is different. there are different things that go on between two people that can not be fully comprehended by an outsider. just know.. i'm here for you but i know you do not need me or anyone else. you are here making some great decisions in your life. yes you have been sluffin' on a few past goals.. and i know i give you ishh all the time about it, but to have seen how passionate you were once about it, makes me believe that all you need is that little push. just a small nudge. so that you know someone is behind you and believes in your action. that's all i needed to help get my butt in gear and here i am now.. almost half way done! how crazy is that?! well.. just know im here.. to listen to your stories.. to agree and disagree with you.. to read your bLogs.. to share my opinion. but i know you are one bad ass female that is more than capable at handling your own feelings so there is no need for me to fish such information out of you, or to try and console you. know i understand. know im interested in your well being. know that I LOVE YOU and thats a real one.

on another note..

today has been day two of the third semester. i have to say im so overwhelmed. yesterday we had to bring all 14 books to class.. received so much information.. learned when we had an additive amount of classes.. figured out our schedules.. compiled our mountains of hw and reading assignments. goodness.. too much. but its ok. im going to keep my head on straight and have come to the decision that i really am no longer going out on weekdays. i need to stay focused and keep studying. i need to catch up on sleep but with the amount of work i've been doing, thats pretty difficult. luckily i still have someone along my side that will allow me to vent and complain about the school load.. who then sympathizes with me and says i can do it. i have someone that will know im having a bad day and will text me asking if they can call me. and when they do, they say.. "you're not having a great day are you?" when i reply no, they say.. "i know, thats why i wanted to call and tell you this.." then they continue into a singing a song.. even though they do not enjoy singing.. or believe that they are the best at it.. simply because they knew it would put a smile upon my face, they do it anyway. i have someone that i do not necessarily talk to everyday.. nor that often.. but will randomly say hello, check up on how i have been doing, text me to simply say goodnight.. knowing that it makes me feel good. i have a house full of people around my age that give me a load of respect for going out and doing whatever it is i do. because they know that even though i may be super busy, or occupied.. it means nothing with the fact that we are all close and will stay that way. they give me so much support. i have a brother that understands how much stress i receive from school and family situations that he sets me an appointment for a massage.. fully paid for.. including gratuity. only because he felt as if it would help me relax. its people like that.. they help me see that my life is simply perfect. has a few quirks, of coarse.. but even those help make it perfect.

i must admit. i see myself being super blessed. i have people that care about me close.. and far.. yet never do they fail to cease to amaze me with the smallest possible things. not judging one for the way they choose to live their life. if you want to do something go out and do it. "if you think you can.. or if you think you can't.. you're right." you really are. i do not judge those that i carry close to my heart. i simply look our for what i believe is best for them. and if they choose another path, so be it. as long as you are happy then i too shall feel the joy for you.

books on break

wow.. it has been just about forever since i was on here.. like.. 21 days yo!

hmm.. so last day of second semester at apollo was the 21st! yes! jackie passed her anatomy & physiology 1 and 2 classes and her microbiology class! A&B's man.. so happy thats over. i can't really remember that far back on whats happened.. hah.. im assuming not much. but i will recap on the past week and upcoming events :]

7/22- i had to get a physical for school.. they wanted me to pee in a cup.. but i couldnt.. haha. i just wasn't in the need to urinate. oh well! then.. i headed to the health clinic.. i recieved the remaining shots that i needed so that i could participate in clinicals for next semester. after all that running around i headed to HOM so i could meet up with the roomies and bf. bf and i had a nice dinner at maggiano's. mmm.. yummy. funny times too. always great conversations with him.

7/23- i didn't really do anything significant. chilled with family.. but thats usually good times. oh and a lot of house cleaning.

7/24&7/25- did some baby sitting for my auntie.. then headed back to the clinic to get my shots read and last immunizations injected. then had to run some last minute errands for my california weekend. after i've been running around in the hot ass summer vegas sun.. i came home to pack.. haha yes ALWAYS last minute packing. then jing and matt came over and saved me. haha i was car less :/ so we picked up vincent and then had a cute dinner together. haha then off to HOM. we chilled there for a while.. watched a few movies and then lauren and tyn came over. and we started playing cards and drink. waiting for karen and stephanie to get there was killin me!! gj & i started to knock out at like 5:30 in the morning and then out of nowhere these two girls decide to come barging in the door at 6AM! gahhh no sleep all good tho. so we had to pack GJ's stuff because he was trynna be a lil girl and tell us that he didnt want to go anymore.. haha then he caved in.. we headed to CALI! ughhhhh. so much fun. the car ride makes me laugh. i wish i had my cord for my camera so that i could upload the pictures and videos! oh well tho.. hmm... we finally get to LA and these girls decide to go to get their done. hahah super fe fe. so then after that we head to glendale and go to Americana. we walked around and chilled.. then went to have lunch at some pizzeria place. super cutes. then we headed to karen's god sister's house.. cute babies dressed up in chinese things for the kung fu panda theme.. then a friend came and picked me up so i could chill. we took his friends to the valley.. and let me tell you.. it was THE most interesting car ride of my life.. non stop laughs and smiles. hahah i got taxed :/ they sang to me.. and then made song remixes about me getting taxed. it was fun. then we went to cold stone.. then west covina! mmhmm.. had to visit papi and bita.. little did i know that the WHOLE family was over there with a family dinner so that i could see them all. i had to pick up a car from them. it was nice to see their faces. then derrick and i headed back to his place. grabbed some panda and chilled. man.. i gotta say.. when you're in cali.. it seems like it should be so much later than it really is! haha we started to drink.. and idk but i thought it was like.. 4 in the morning and it turns out to be only 12:30! wtf is that shit?! hahah fun stuff tho.

7/26- i woke up at 6! wtf. crazy i know.. so i knocked back out for a bit. we just chilled at derrick's place.. watched michael jackson concert and man... does this boy really know it forwards and backwards! it was comedy.. wish i had a video of it.. but he stole my camera so that i wouldn't record him. haha then i finally decided to get ready. after that we went to get jamba juice! mmm.. original white gummy please! it was bomb. afterwards.. we went to the mall.. chilled for a bit. went to apple. then headed to his friends' house. sorry i forgot their names. haha mm.. then went to the staples center and tried to meet up with bjay.. but that was a failure. then we went to his house. started to order pizza.. and i knocked out! woke up when the food was there.. and we watched wanted. good movie :) chilled the rest of the night.

7/27- woke up at 6 again! wtf is wrong with me! haha but then of course i knocked back out til like.. 10. then just chilled for a bit.. and left his house at like 12:30. had to drive back to vegas. wow.. first time driving alone. it was cool tho. nice and quiet. and it seemed short as hell. i had a few different folks call me up to keep me company. i love how all my friends were so concerned with my well being! :) when i finally hit vegas. i stopped by HOM first. chilled with GJ and then took a nap. headed to my aunts house to drop off the car and pick up my tC.. then chopped it up for a bit. headed home to shower and get ready. went to the brothers house to have a REAL dinner :) then we helped with some of the wedding things. wow.. not fun for me! but hey i do my best. then i was super tired with a fatty head ache. so home i went to knock out.

7/28- i picked up my books from school. yes.. im suppose to be on a break from school.. but i did go there and pick them up. gahh and it wasn't just like a few books.. no. i picked up 13 books! gah! wtf. and i have to bring them ALL to school on monday! PLUS on top of that i found out that i ALREADY have homework assignments. super whackkk. after picking up my books.. matt and i went to beltz.. yes you can tell we're forreal vegas folks because we call it BELTZ not whatever dumb name they gave it now. hm.. picked up some shoes.. then had lunch at BWW. oh yeaaa! we had jamba too! :) after that we headed to target.. grabbed some pointless junkk and attempted to wash my car. then i headed home to start on my hw. :/ after that.. i went to jing's house.. played poker and lost :/ then jarel hit me up and we went to a bar. hahah just chilled and caught up. went to roberto's and talked some more. then i headed home. interesting conversations that night.

7/29- went to town square and met up with the brother. picked up dj! yessssssss. im dog sitting :) then went home and dropped him off. went to target to pick up some stuff and then headed home. i haven't been doing much tho.. right now just blogging and talking on the phone with derrick.. he's watching something about jenna jameson. idk.. haha

well yeaa.. now you're caught up.. this weekend i have hella people coming into town.. hella cali heads coming out to chill. and then a bachelorette party.. hm.. NEXT saturday is brother's wedding! okayy... now its back to study time.. or just lay down.. til next time!

thanks and smiles.

past few days i've spent at centennial hills hospital.. brother got admitted for chest pain and i'll admit i was a bit worried. :/ thankfully my friends and family kept and stayed close.. thanks for the prayers.. the smiles.. worries.. hopes.. laughs.. jokes.. and just about everything. its nice to know that no matter how far people are.. they are still able to show their compassion. hmm.. i am truely blessed.

on another note.. i've been able to keep a nice smile on my face for a few days now.. you do keep it on there.. how is it that you can do it with such ease? hm.. idk but i like it. its funny.. everyone notices. good times. and thank you. "soon enough" :]

broke.

someone broke into kuya's house.. stole their wedding bands.. watches.. groomsmen and bridesmaid presents.. other jewlery.. lap top.. camera.. and a grip of other stuff.. gahh.. so not crackin.

no time.

too much going on.

so much to catch up with.

seems like there isn't enough time.

i haven't been able to bLog for a good while.

doesn't mean i haven't kept up with spitting words.

my book has been getting lot of use lately.

since this blogger is just for me..

i guess its okay that i haven't had a while to write.

i hope my schedule clears soon.

yey.. its the 2nd of july!

meaning.. only 20 more days!

this semester is almost over! ughh.

good to see old faces.

cali trip in the works.

love love love you!

mix nuts

not much to blog about.. 

but i did take a break from my studies.. FINALLY! haha mappy dan prado mappala was in town this week. his vegas was showing. haha him and 7 other males from mix elements were here. fun times.. they had bad news shoved in their direction.. sucky duck.. but at least i was able to meet up! :] well.. i went to palms on tuesday and saw them there.. i saw mappy krisuan and vin.. it was nice to see them again.. then i met greg, ryan, emil, amber and kenny. haha fun boys. we attempted their photo shoot.. but that was an epic failure. damn bickering between boys. haha.. thats what happens when you have so many directors put together in one group. then we left palms and headed to the strip. CP was the place to be. haha drinks at the bar.. fun.. then walked the strip a bit.. grabbed something to eat.. then went to  walk the strip some more.. got more drinks.. then headed to eye candy! :] that was fun. the boys are crazy. good times. i can't help but smile as i type this blog.. because honestly.. i haven't really gone out in a while.. and well.. it was just a GOOOOOOOD night. mmmhmmm.. that russian man greg.. haha "vodka" and calling emil "fussy!" haha and talkin' to that hooker femme.. haha just fun times. i hope to see them soon. :]

"MIX NUTS IN YOUR MOUTH!" 

thanks boys :]

happy message

yesterday was a good day. long but good. best thing.. no details.. but when i got home as i started to lay in bed i received a pretty long text message. i just want to say that it was so nice. it made me smile. brought them good feelings. i just want to thank you. you mean so much to me. im so happy that i would not change anything at all. i love you! :]

feelings.. fading.. fahhhhhhh

the sounds flow from the speakers to my ears.

the beats move your feet and body in a way that amazes many.

my eyes stare off.. watching you express a feeling from within.

the feeling i get is one that is indescribable. 

continuously replaying it in my head,

a smile appears on my face.

how is it that you can hit me up.. and with the smallest response i get happy/upset/giggly/frustrated. why do all those emotions flow through me in such a short amount of time. i do understand now. your mind is made up. your choices and decisions have been clearly set forth. when an opportunity opens, im sure you will take it.. only when necessary.. only when you feel like it. then as time passes you shall be back onto your old ways. that is fine. you know where i shall be. you know where i stand on every situation. you were a significant part once, that part has faded away. 

bad host.

hah.. suppose to do study group at my house.. what do i do? SLEEP in. damn long nights. all due to the painter. whatever tho. left the group hangin'.. they're literally down the street at starbucks studying. hah. mmkay. whatever. i should get started. bye!

i suck.

so.. after finding out that i only needed a "C" on my next test.. then finding out that my test has been split into two days.. idk.. i just started to sluff on studying for it.. this past weekend i decided that i wanted to take this for myself and just go out and have fun.. i had A LOT of people in town.. it was good to see most of them.. many many many fun times :] always puts a smile on my face. i needed this break.. on the real.. and well.. now i have to study haha im really not stressin'.. its whatever :] i just need to do good on my micro test. hah mmkay..

oh and that drama bull shit that some people that have drama btwn themselves are trynna bring into my life.. hah.. not crackin'.

if a female doesn't trust her man.. has to go all sneaky and check up on his ass.. look through all his stuff.. know all his passwords.. check his phone.. all that dumb shii.. why the hell are you with him?! please i never understood all that. 

hard work pays off

so we got an update on our grades in A&P 1 today.. and after all the hard work i've put into studying for my A&P tests.. if actually paid off.

i have one test left.. i gotta take it on tuesday.. and well.. if i get at least a 70% on it.. then i can get an overall grade of an "A" in my A&P class!! ughh son! :] good times.. now im sleepy.. goodnight :]

hmph..

i miss you. 

the talks. smiles. laughs. hugs. smokes. arguments. 

i wouldn't change anything that happened. 

i just wish those times would reoccur.

place those smiles amongst my face.

wrap your arms around me.

just lay, chill, talk.

come here please.

on another side..

i am believing something may be true that i surely wish is not the case. it was when i realized this that i started to miss you more and more. you were always a person that i would run to with such news, and then you would just comfort me in some way. then make me laugh with jokes. idk.. just randomness. lets go on walks late night.. find babies.. and random old guys named kelly. find a husband in chicago.. then a baby in the bay.. and settle in vegas. wow. imy.

productive insomnia :]

its like 5:20ish in the morning.. i have yet to sleep.. but at least im actually being somewhat productive.. im not super tired so what do i do? nope.. not turn on the tv.. not bug out on my computer.. instead i take out my anatomy book and start studying.. AGAIN.. its more like a continuation from today. i left my house around.. 12 noon today and ran some errands.. then went and studied.. then went to pick up matt from work.. and back to studying.. then to the studio for *GROOVE's three year anniversary class (which was awesome btw. thank you to everyone who came out and took class :]).. then i studied more at the studio.. after class was over.. i stayed there for MECCAMEE's  practice so that i could close the studio.. and while that was going on.. i studied even more.. then after that.. i went home.. and started studying more!! wtf. haha and guess what.. sunday afternoon.. so like in.. uh.. a few hours.. people are coming to my house to do a study group! wtf. yes. wow. my life must sound so whackk to everyone.. but there are a few out there that keep telling me to "do work" :] them.. i appreciate. they know that the amount of work im putting into my studies now will surely pay off. i cant wait. i can't believe its already been 6 months since i started school.. it seems so much less.. but that just means.. 1.5 years left.. and im done! yepp 18 months and counting. i cant wait. 

but before that.. this coming weekend!! i cant wait for that! ughhhh.. finally a well deserved break is coming! thats right.. im actually planning on going out.. having fun.. doing something! :] no books next weekend.. well.. maybe just on sunday :] haha but i really cant wait!! im super excited. yessssirrrr! :]

another day another chapter.

well.. i have to go get another chapter of A&P down.. but uh.. lets hope i can accomplish 2 chapters in a matter of.. today and tomorrow before the group comes over! :/ 

on another note.. come to *GROOVE today!! class starts at 6 and registration shall be at 5:30 pm.. hope to see you all there.. three classes are only $3! ughh thank goodness to the three year anniversary :]

mmkay.. byeee!

disappointment leads to harder work.

i did bad on my micro test yesterday. its something i dont really care to get into.. but it is just frustrating.. i just know that i have to do better. its okay.. i know that i've been doing well this semester.. and all of a sudden i just lost my drive to study hard. blahh.. but after the realization check with this test.. i know i have to work harder.. its okay now. i just spent forever trying to study.. it is actually working. hah i have a good group now. now i need to get two more chapters down alone.. by the end of tonight.. and tomorrow night.. and then finish the fourth chapter on sunday. take my test on monday.. and hope for the best :]

we'll see how things go. im hoping for the best. can't wait until NEXT weekend. i hope everything goes as planned.. hope things go as i want them to. yeaaaaaa. :]

could you imagine..

how would it be if i could write a blog once a day.. just to relieve stress.. to get stuff off my chest.. to diverge from studying.. gahh.. thats going to be impossible. 

anyway... i am feeling so lazy. i wish i could go back to the way things were like.. two weeks ago. i wish i could be more productive and more driven to study again.. i dont know why.. but im starting to think it has to do with the fact that i missed lecture for microbiology last thursday. blahhhhhh.  oh well.. things are going to be alright. ill pull through.. i'll get back on that study train. mmkay.. time to sleep.. then wake up again at like 3:30am and study again.  :]

sessions to lessons

so i have a small group that gets together every so often to just talk.. we call them life sessions.. its basically a small group of friends that feel the need to vent. just discuss things that are occurring in life.. or want advice on a certain topic.. or just feel the need to get stuff off of their chest. the others sit and listen and then share their point of view on the situation at hand.. or just speak about how they reiterate it.. or just say what they want to say. its been very helpful. we all get a chance to speak.. we all get a chance to hear other people's point of view and it opens our eyes to see the other side of the situation.. it allows us to see the big picture instead of just being all about us. 

it usually gets pretty deep in conversation. it never gets out of hand to the point where people yell or get frustrated. luckily it is just a small group whom are willing to hear what others have to say.. regardless if it is something we want to hear.. or not. there are times where we may not want to hear something.. but its what we HAVE to hear. and we always take it in pride. its never been too much of a touchy subject.. or gotten super emotional.. but today.. i shall admit.. i did cry. it wasn't so much of sad tears tho. they were all happy tears. the tears that ran down my face were due to admiration for someone's ambition. there was a new person in the group today that shared a load of information.. a lot of feelings that would bring a normal person down.. but this person took so much pain.. and a short amount of time and realized that they needed to FEEL the pain instead of subsiding it with other actions. i've never realized how strong this person was. so young.. and yet so mature. i know their mindset is amazing. i truly do admire them. 

thank you for opening my eyes and letting me know that there are people so close to me that are so strong. tonight's session showed me that you can talk to someone everyday of life.. hang out.. chill.. see them.. anything.. on a regular daily basis.. and yet never REALLY know that person.. but it takes time for you to sit down.. and have a real conversation in order for you to understand where they are actually coming from. i do appreciate the people i hold close to my heart. there are many acquaintances i have in this world.. fewer friends.. and that makes them better in my life. 

to my group of "life sessioners" thank you.. for opening my eyes and giving me a window to yell out of and not a door way to be judged through. i truly do admire each one of you.